Different Types of Shiva

Every Shiva Is Different

If you have been to one shiva, you have been to one shiva. Jewish mourning practices vary enormously based on denomination, family tradition, geography, and personal preference. Some families observe every custom to the letter. Others create something that feels right for them.

None of these approaches is more or less legitimate than any other. What matters is that the mourning family finds comfort, and that the community shows up in a way that helps.

This guide walks through the most common types of shiva you may encounter, what to expect at each, and how to be a thoughtful visitor regardless of the setting. If you are new to shiva altogether, you may want to start with our complete guide to sitting shiva.

Orthodox / Strictly Religious Shiva

In Orthodox communities, shiva follows the full traditional framework closely. The mourning period lasts the complete seven days, beginning immediately after burial and ending on the morning of the seventh day.

• Duration — full seven days. Shabbat is counted but shiva customs are paused from Friday evening to Saturday evening.
• Prayer services — a minyan (prayer quorum of ten) gathers at the shiva house for both morning (shacharit) and evening (ma'ariv) services. The Mourner's Kaddish is recited at each.
• Mirrors are covered — all mirrors in the home are draped with cloth for the duration of shiva.
• Low seating — mourners sit on low chairs or cushions, not on regular furniture. This is a physical expression of being brought low by grief.
• No leather shoes — mourners wear non-leather footwear, typically slippers or soft shoes.
• Grooming restrictions — mourners traditionally do not bathe for pleasure, shave, or cut their hair during the shiva period.
• Meal coordination — the community, often organized through the synagogue, provides meals for the family throughout the week. Strict separation of meat and dairy is observed, and all food must be kosher.
• Memorial candle — a seven-day ner neshama (soul candle) burns continuously from the time of burial.

Traditional Conservative Shiva

Conservative shiva retains many of the same customs as Orthodox observance but tends to be more flexible in duration and practice. The tone is reverent but approachable, often blending Hebrew and English.

• Duration — often three to five days rather than the full seven. Some families observe the full week, especially for a parent.
• Prayer services — typically held in the evening, sometimes mornings as well. A minyan is gathered for Kaddish. Services mix Hebrew liturgy with English readings.
• Traditional customs — mirrors may be covered, low seating may be used, and the memorial candle is lit. Families choose which customs feel meaningful to them.
• Community meals — common but less formally organized than in Orthodox settings. Friends, neighbours, and synagogue members bring food. Kosher observance depends on the family.
• Atmosphere — a mix of structured prayer and informal gathering. Visitors share memories, sit with the family, and offer comfort. There is conversation between services.

Reform / Liberal Shiva

Reform shiva tends to be shorter and less structured, with a stronger emphasis on personal expression and gathering. The focus is on honouring the person who died through memory, presence, and community.

• Duration — typically one to three days, though some families extend it longer.
• Prayer services — may or may not be part of the gathering. Some families hold a brief evening service. Others focus entirely on visiting and remembering. When services happen, they tend to be mostly in English with select Hebrew prayers.
• Customs — traditional customs like covered mirrors and low seating are observed by some families and not others. There is no expectation either way.
• Food — always welcome and deeply appreciated. Kosher requirements depend entirely on the family. When in doubt, ask.
• Atmosphere — warm, conversational, and focused on sharing stories about the person who died. Photos and mementos are often displayed. Laughter and tears exist side by side.

Cultural / Secular Shiva

Many families who identify as culturally Jewish but are not religiously observant still sit shiva. The gathering may look more like an open house than a religious observance, but it serves the same essential purpose: bringing people together in the wake of loss.

• Duration — usually one to two days, sometimes a single evening.
• No formal prayer services — the gathering itself is the ritual. There is no minyan, no Kaddish, and no structured liturgy.
• Visitors drop by — the door is open, people come and go, stories are shared. It may feel like an informal reception, but the grief is just as real.
• Food and drink — often a mix of home-cooked meals and takeaway. No kosher requirements unless the family requests it.
• Photos, music, and memories — some families set up photo displays, play music the person loved, or invite guests to write memories in a book.

Creating Your Own Way

Some families create something entirely their own. A few days of traditional shiva followed by a celebration of life. A brief gathering at home, then a larger community event weeks later. A shiva that includes elements from multiple traditions because the family itself spans denominations.

There is no wrong answer when a family is grieving. The traditions exist to serve the mourners, not the other way around. If a particular combination of customs, timing, and atmosphere feels right to a family, then it is right.

Rabbis and community leaders across all denominations generally support families in finding the observance that will bring them the most comfort. If you are unsure how to structure your own shiva, speaking with a rabbi — even one you do not know well — can be helpful. Most are happy to guide you regardless of your level of observance.

What to Expect as a Visitor

Walking into a shiva house — especially an unfamiliar one — can be daunting. Here is a practical guide to help you feel prepared, no matter the setting.

What to Wear

• Orthodox shiva — modest clothing. Women: covered knees, elbows, and neckline. Men: long trousers, a shirt with sleeves, and a kippah (usually available at the door).
• Conservative shiva — respectful, neat clothing. Men may want a kippah for prayer services.
• Reform or secular shiva — no specific dress code. Come in whatever feels respectful to you.

What to Bring

• Food is always appreciated — meals, baked goods, fruit platters, or prepared trays. Check our full guide for detailed suggestions.
• If the family keeps kosher, verify before bringing food. When in doubt, fruit, vegetables, and certified kosher baked goods are safe choices.
• A sympathy card or handwritten note is meaningful and never out of place.
• Paper goods (plates, cups, napkins) are a practical and thoughtful contribution that many people overlook.

How to Behave

• Enter quietly — in traditional settings, walk in without knocking. In less formal settings, a gentle knock is fine.
• Follow the mourner's lead — let them initiate conversation. If they want to talk, listen. If they want quiet, sit with them in silence.
• Share a memory — if you knew the person who died, a specific, kind memory is one of the most comforting things you can offer.
• Avoid common missteps — do not say “they are in a better place” or compare losses. For more guidance, see our shiva dos and don'ts.
• If there is a prayer service — you do not need to know the prayers. Stand when others stand, sit when others sit. Participation is welcomed but never required.

How Long to Stay

• A visit of 15 to 30 minutes is appropriate. Shorter is fine — even five minutes of genuine presence matters.
• If the mourner is engaged in deep conversation with you, stay as long as feels natural.
• If the house is crowded, keep your visit brief to make room for others.
• You do not need to say a formal goodbye. A quiet departure is perfectly appropriate.

The Common Thread

Whether the shiva lasts seven days or one evening, whether it includes three daily prayer services or none at all, the purpose is the same. Shiva exists to surround the mourners with community. To share the weight of grief so that no one carries it alone. To honour the person who died by remembering them together.

The customs may differ. The clothing may differ. The food, the prayers, the length of the visit — all of these are details. The heart of shiva is constant across every denomination and every family: you are not alone in this, and the person you lost mattered.

If you are sitting shiva, know that however you choose to observe it is enough. If you are visiting, know that showing up is the most important thing you can do.

Learn More

• How to Sit Shiva — a complete guide to the shiva period
• What to Bring to a Shiva — food ideas, kosher considerations, and non-food gifts
• Shiva Dos and Don'ts — what to say, what to avoid, and how to be present
• Kosher Shiva Food — understanding kosher requirements for shiva meals
• Organize Shiva Meals — coordinate community meals so the family is taken care of