How to Sit Shiva

What Is Shiva?

Shiva is the seven-day mourning period observed in Judaism following the burial of an immediate family member. The word shiva comes from the Hebrew word for seven — shiv'ah.

During this week, the mourning family stays home and receives visitors from the community. It is a time for grief, memory, and togetherness. The community surrounds the family with presence, food, and prayer so that the mourners can focus entirely on their loss.

Shiva is one of the most deeply rooted traditions in Jewish life. It provides structure during the most unstructured time — giving mourners permission to grieve and giving the community a clear way to show up.

How Long Does Shiva Last?

Traditionally, shiva lasts for seven full days. It begins immediately after the burial and ends on the morning of the seventh day, usually after a brief morning service.

• Full shiva — seven days. This is the traditional observance in Orthodox and many Conservative communities.
• Shortened shiva — some families observe three days, particularly in Reform or less traditional settings. Three days is considered a respectful minimum.
• Shabbat counts — Shabbat (Friday evening through Saturday evening) is included in the seven-day count, but many shiva customs are paused. Mourners may attend synagogue, and the shiva house typically does not receive visitors during Shabbat.
• Major Jewish holidays — if a major holiday (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Passover, or Shavuot) falls during shiva, the shiva period ends early. The holiday is considered to have completed the mourning.

What Happens During Shiva?

The shiva house has a distinct rhythm. While every family observes differently, these are the most common customs you may encounter.

• Daily minyan — a prayer service is held at the shiva house, typically in the morning and/or evening. A minyan (quorum of ten Jewish adults) is needed for certain prayers, including the Mourner's Kaddish.
• Mirrors are covered — mirrors in the home are draped with cloth, reflecting the idea that mourners should not be concerned with personal appearance during this time.
• Sitting low — mourners traditionally sit on low chairs or cushions rather than regular seating. This is a physical expression of being brought low by grief.
• Memorial candle — a special seven-day candle, called a ner neshama (soul candle), is lit after the burial and burns continuously for the entire shiva period.
• Front door is left unlocked — visitors are expected to enter without ringing the doorbell or knocking. This spares the mourners from having to greet each person at the door.
• Mourners do not work — the mourning family traditionally refrains from work, cooking, and other daily routines. The community steps in to handle meals and practical needs.
• Shoes are removed — mourners traditionally do not wear leather shoes during shiva, often wearing slippers or socks instead.

Who Sits Shiva?

Jewish law defines seven immediate relatives who are obligated to observe shiva:

• Mother or father
• Son or daughter
• Brother or sister
• Spouse

These are the mourners who sit low, receive visitors, and observe the customs of the shiva week. Other family members and close friends may be deeply affected by the loss, but they are not formally required to sit shiva. They may, however, be present in the shiva house to support those who are.

In practice, many families adapt. A grandchild may observe some customs. A close friend may sit with the family for the full week. The boundaries are guided by tradition but shaped by the relationships people actually had.

Visiting a Shiva House

Visiting a shiva house can feel unfamiliar, especially if you have not done it before. Here is what to expect and how to be a thoughtful visitor.

• Visiting hours — shiva houses usually receive visitors in the afternoon and evening. Check the obituary or with the family for specific times.
• Just walk in — do not ring the doorbell or knock. The door is left unlocked so mourners do not have to answer it. Enter quietly.
• Bring food if you can — meals, baked goods, fruit platters, or beverages are deeply appreciated. See our full guide on what to bring to a shiva.
• Let the mourner lead — do not begin with small talk or your own stories. Sit near the mourner and wait for them to speak. If they want to share memories, listen. If they want silence, sit in silence.
• It is okay to say nothing — simply being there is enough. You do not need the perfect words. A quiet presence is one of the most meaningful things you can offer.
• Share a memory — if you knew the person who passed, sharing a specific memory is one of the most comforting things you can do. It tells the mourner that their loved one mattered to others too.
• When leaving — the traditional parting words are "HaMakom yenachem etchem b'toch sh'ar avlei Tziyon v'Yerushalayim" — "May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." Many people shorten this to simply "HaMakom yenachem" or "I'm sorry for your loss."

Coordinating Meals During Shiva

Feeding the mourning family is one of the most important acts of communal support during shiva — and one of the hardest to coordinate. Without a system, day one is overflowing with food while days five through seven have almost nothing.

Someone close to the family — a friend, neighbour, or community member — usually steps in to organize meals. This means figuring out who is bringing what, on which day, and whether there are dietary restrictions or kosher requirements to consider.

Neshama's shiva meal coordination tool makes this easier. You can set up a page for the family, share it with the community, and let people sign up for specific days and meals. It keeps everything organized so the family is taken care of without anyone having to manage spreadsheets or group chats.

What to Bring

The most traditional thing to bring to a shiva house is food — home-cooked meals, baked goods, fruit platters, or prepared trays that can feed the family and their visitors. Non-food items like paper goods, sympathy cards, or children's activities are also appreciated.

If the family keeps kosher, it is important to check before bringing food. When in doubt, go with fruit, vegetables, or baked goods from a certified kosher bakery.

For a detailed guide covering food ideas, kosher considerations, non-food gifts, what not to bring, and timing etiquette, see our full article: What to Bring to a Shiva.

After Shiva — Sheloshim and Beyond

The end of shiva does not mean the end of mourning. Jewish tradition provides a gradual return to daily life through additional mourning periods.

• Sheloshim — the 30-day period following the burial. During sheloshim, mourners begin to resume normal activities but continue to avoid celebrations, parties, and live music. Mourners for a parent observe sheloshim as part of a longer mourning period.
• The year of mourning — those mourning a parent traditionally observe certain restrictions for a full twelve months. This includes reciting the Mourner's Kaddish at daily services.
• Yahrzeit — the anniversary of the death, observed annually according to the Hebrew calendar. A memorial candle is lit, Kaddish is recited, and many families visit the grave.

Neshama's yahrzeit reminder tool sends you a notification before each anniversary so you never miss the date. It automatically calculates the Hebrew calendar date and accounts for leap years.