The Do's and Don'ts of Shiva

Know What to Say

You do not need perfect words. What matters is that you showed up and that you care. Simple, honest expressions of sympathy are almost always the right thing.

• "I'm sorry for your loss" — straightforward and sincere. It never goes wrong.
• "I remember when [name]..." — sharing a specific memory is one of the most meaningful things you can offer. It tells the mourner that their loved one was known and valued by others.
• "I don't know what to say, but I'm here" — honesty about not having the right words is itself a form of comfort.
• Say nothing at all — simply sitting beside someone in silence can be more powerful than any words. Your presence is enough.

Avoid These Phrases

These are said with good intentions, but they can unintentionally minimize someone's grief or make the mourner feel worse. It is better to say less than to say something that lands poorly.

• "They're in a better place" — the mourner may not feel that way right now. Their loved one's absence is what they are sitting with.
• "I know how you feel" — even if you have experienced a similar loss, every grief is different. This can feel dismissive rather than connecting.
• "At least they didn't suffer" — the family may have watched them suffer. Even if they didn't, "at least" minimizes the loss.
• "You need to be strong" — shiva exists precisely so mourners do not have to be strong. Let them grieve without expectations.
• "Everything happens for a reason" — this is not comforting when someone is in acute pain. It can feel like their grief is being explained away.
• Unsolicited advice — avoid telling mourners how to process their grief, when they should feel better, or what they should do next.
• Comparing losses — do not bring up your own losses unless the mourner asks. This is their time.

Bring Something if You Can

Bringing food to a shiva house is one of the oldest and most meaningful traditions in Jewish mourning. The community feeds the family so the mourners do not have to think about meals during the hardest week of their lives.

• Home-cooked meals — casseroles, soups, pasta dishes, or anything that can be easily reheated.
• Baked goods — cookies, cakes, or pastries are always welcome.
• Fruit and vegetable platters — a safe choice, especially if you are unsure about dietary requirements.
• Beverages — coffee, tea, juice, or bottled water. The shiva house goes through a surprising amount.
• Paper goods — plates, cups, napkins, and cutlery. These are used constantly and always needed.

If the family keeps kosher, check before bringing food. When in doubt, fruit, vegetables, or baked goods from a certified kosher bakery are reliable choices.

Don't Take Food Home from the Shiva House

Food brought to the shiva house is there for the mourning family and their visitors during the shiva period. It is not meant to be taken home by guests.

The family will need meals for the entire week — and often beyond. What looks like an abundance on day one may be all they have by day four, especially as visitor numbers taper off. The food is there to sustain them through a week when cooking feels impossible.

If the family offers you something to eat while you are visiting, that is different — accept graciously. But packing up leftovers to bring home is not appropriate.

Know How Long to Stay

For most visitors, fifteen to thirty minutes is the right amount of time. A shiva visit is not a social call — it is a brief act of presence and comfort.

• 15 to 30 minutes — this is appropriate for colleagues, acquaintances, and community members.
• Longer if you are close — close friends and family may stay for an hour or more, especially if the mourner wants the company.
• Follow the mourner's lead — if the mourner is engaged in conversation with you, stay. If the room is full and others are waiting, keep it shorter.
• It is okay to leave quietly — you do not need to make a formal goodbye. A gentle nod or a brief word is enough. Slipping out when the mourner is speaking with someone else is perfectly fine.

Don't Make the Visit About You

A shiva visit is about the mourner, not the visitor. This sounds obvious, but it is easy to fall into patterns that shift the focus without meaning to.

• Listen more than you speak — if the mourner wants to talk about their loved one, listen. If they want to talk about something else entirely, follow their lead. If they want silence, sit with them in silence.
• Do not steer the conversation — avoid launching into your own stories of loss, your health updates, or unrelated news. There will be time for that later.
• Do not take photographs — a shiva house is a private space of grief. Posting about your visit on social media is not appropriate.
• Keep your phone silent — give the mourner your full attention, even if your visit is brief.

Know How to Greet the Mourners

In traditional Jewish practice, visitors do not speak to the mourner until the mourner speaks first. This custom comes from the Book of Job — Job's friends sat with him for seven days in silence before he spoke. The idea is that the mourner sets the tone and the pace.

In modern practice, this varies widely. Many mourners will greet you as soon as you approach. Others may be deep in conversation or in a quiet moment. Either way, the principle holds: let the mourner lead.

• A hug — if you are close to the mourner and it feels natural, a hug is almost always welcome.
• A handshake — appropriate if you are less familiar or if the mourner extends their hand.
• Just sitting beside them — sometimes the most meaningful greeting is simply taking the seat next to them and being there.

Don't Avoid the Visit

It is natural to feel uncomfortable about visiting a shiva house. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, intruding on the family's grief, or not knowing the customs. These are understandable concerns — but they are not reasons to stay away.

Showing up imperfectly is always better than not showing up at all. Mourners remember who came, not what they said. Months and years later, what stays with people is the simple fact that you were there.

If you did not know the person who passed but you know the mourner, go. If you are not Jewish but your colleague is sitting shiva, go. If you have never been to a shiva before and feel out of place, go. Your discomfort is temporary. Their grief is not.

Offer Practical Help

"Let me know if you need anything" is well-intentioned, but mourning families rarely take people up on it. They are overwhelmed and do not have the energy to delegate. Instead, offer something specific.

• "I'm bringing dinner on Thursday — any allergies?" — this is concrete and easy to accept.
• "Can I pick up your kids from school this week?" — practical help with daily logistics is invaluable.
• "I'm going to the grocery store — what do you need?" — the family may need basics like milk, bread, or paper towels.
• "I'll handle the minyan coordination" — if you are part of the community, organizing the daily prayer quorum takes a real burden off the family.
• Help set up or clean up — arranging chairs, tidying the kitchen, taking out garbage, washing dishes. These small acts matter enormously.
• Coordinate meals for the family — use Neshama's shiva meal coordination tool to set up a page where the community can sign up for specific days and meals.

Special Considerations

Every family observes differently, but here are some things to be aware of that may shape your visit.

• Shabbat — shiva is paused during Shabbat (Friday evening through Saturday evening). The family does not receive visitors during this time. Shabbat still counts toward the seven days, but the public mourning customs are set aside in honour of the day of rest.
• Shoes — in some homes, visitors are asked to remove their shoes. In traditional observance, mourners do not wear leather shoes during shiva. Follow what you see when you arrive.
• Dress modestly — there is no strict dress code, but err on the side of modest and respectful. Dark or muted colours are typical, though not required.
• Head covering — in Orthodox homes, men may be expected to wear a kippah (head covering). There are usually extras available near the entrance.
• Prayer services — if a minyan (prayer service) is taking place when you arrive, sit quietly and wait until it concludes. You do not need to participate, but being still and respectful during the service is appreciated.
• Flowers — in Jewish tradition, flowers are generally not brought to a shiva house. Food, charitable donations in the deceased's name, or a sympathy card are more appropriate.

More Neshama Resources

These guides and tools are here to help you support a mourning family with care and confidence.