Jewish Funeral Etiquette

What to expect, what to wear, what to say — and how to be present for a mourning family with respect and care.

Before the Funeral

A Jewish funeral, called a levaya, typically takes place within 24 to 48 hours of death. This reflects the Jewish value of honouring the deceased through prompt burial. The service is usually held at a funeral home chapel or synagogue, followed by burial at the cemetery.

If you have been invited or notified of the funeral, plan to arrive a few minutes early. The atmosphere is quiet and solemn. There is no expectation to bring flowers — in fact, flowers are traditionally not part of Jewish funerals.

Good to know: Jewish funerals do not typically have a visitation or wake beforehand. The service and burial happen on the same day, usually lasting about one to two hours total.

What to Wear

Dress respectfully and conservatively. Dark or muted colours are most appropriate. There is no strict dress code, but the tone should reflect the seriousness of the occasion.

  • Men — a dark suit or dress pants with a collared shirt. A tie is appropriate but not required. A kippah (head covering) is expected at Orthodox and many Conservative funerals. If you do not have one, they are usually provided at the entrance.
  • Women — a modest dress or blouse with a skirt or dress pants. Shoulders and knees should generally be covered, especially at Orthodox services. Some women choose to cover their heads as well.
  • Avoid — bright colours, casual clothing (jeans, sneakers), and anything flashy or attention-drawing.
If unsure: Simple, dark, and modest is always appropriate. When in doubt, dress as you would for a formal occasion.

During the Service

The funeral service follows a traditional structure, though it varies between communities and levels of observance.

  • Psalms and prayers — the service typically opens with selected Psalms. A rabbi or cantor leads these prayers. You do not need to participate if you are unfamiliar with them — simply stand or sit as others do.
  • Eulogy (hesped) — one or more eulogies are delivered by family members, friends, or the rabbi. These are personal reflections on the life of the deceased.
  • El Malei Rachamim — a memorial prayer asking for the soul of the deceased to find peace. This is one of the most moving moments of the service.
  • Kriah (tearing) — mourners tear a piece of their clothing or a black ribbon as a visible sign of grief. This is done by immediate family only and is usually led by the rabbi before or during the service.

Phones should be silenced. Photography is not appropriate. Simply be present and attentive.

At the Cemetery

After the service, the procession moves to the cemetery for burial. If you are driving in the procession, turn on your headlights and follow the hearse. Do not pass or leave the procession.

  • The casket — in Jewish tradition, the casket is simple and made of wood. There are no elaborate linings or decorations. This reflects the belief that all are equal in death.
  • Shovelling earth — after the casket is lowered, those present take turns placing earth on the grave. This is considered a great act of kindness (chesed shel emet) — a kindness that can never be repaid. It is traditional to use the back of the shovel for the first scoop.
  • Standing in two lines — as the mourners leave the gravesite, those present form two lines for the family to walk through. The traditional words spoken are: “HaMakom yenachem etchem b’toch sh’ar avlei Tziyon v’Yerushalayim” — “May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
Participation: You are not required to shovel earth, but it is meaningful if you choose to. Even a single shovelful is a powerful gesture.

What to Say

Finding the right words is one of the hardest parts of attending a funeral or visiting during shiva. The most important thing is not what you say — it is that you showed up.

  • Simple and honest — “I am so sorry for your loss” is always appropriate. You do not need to find profound words.
  • Share a memory — if you knew the deceased, a specific memory means more than any general condolence. “I will always remember how they…” tells the mourner their loved one mattered.
  • Presence over words — sitting in silence with a mourner can be more comforting than any speech. If you do not know what to say, that is okay. Just be there.
Things to avoid saying: “They are in a better place,” “Everything happens for a reason,” “At least they lived a long life,” or “I know how you feel.” These phrases, while well-intended, can minimize the mourner’s pain. Let the mourner lead the conversation.

After the Funeral — Shiva

Following the burial, the mourning family returns home to begin shiva — the seven-day mourning period. A meal of condolence (seudat havra’ah) is traditionally prepared by friends and community members for the family when they return from the cemetery.

Visiting the shiva house in the days that follow is one of the most meaningful ways to support a grieving family. Bringing food, being present, and sharing memories all help the mourners feel held by their community.

For a complete guide to the shiva period, including customs, visiting etiquette, and meal coordination, see How to Sit Shiva.

Coordinating meals: If you would like to help organise meals for the shiva house, Neshama’s meal coordination tool lets the community sign up for specific days so no one goes uncovered.

If You Are Not Jewish

You are welcome at a Jewish funeral. Your presence honours the deceased and shows deep respect for the mourning family. There is no expectation that non-Jewish attendees follow every custom — simply being respectful and attentive is enough.

  • Men should wear a kippah if attending an Orthodox or Conservative service — they are provided at the door.
  • Stand when others stand, sit when others sit. You do not need to recite prayers.
  • You may participate in shovelling earth at the cemetery if you wish.
  • Saying “I am sorry for your loss” is perfectly appropriate.

Your willingness to show up during someone’s most painful moment transcends any religious boundary. It matters more than you know.

Supporting a Family in Mourning?

Coordinate shiva meals so the community can sign up to bring food every day. No spreadsheets, no group chat confusion.

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