When someone we love dies, the people around them want to help, but the coordination is often chaotic. Phone trees, group texts, overlapping casseroles, and three different funeral home websites to check.
This guide is for the moments before, during, and after a shiva. It's for the friend who wants to bring food. The neighbour who isn't sure what to say. The family who needs help organizing meals. And the person reading this just to be ready, because you know one day you will need to know.
The First 24 Hours
If you've just learned that someone has died, this is what typically happens, and where to start.
The family contacts a funeral home. The four homes serving our community:
- Steeles Memorial Chapel (Toronto): 905-881-6003 · steelesmemorialchapel.com
- Benjamin's Park Memorial Chapel (Toronto): 416-663-9060 · benjamins.ca
- Misaskim (Toronto, Orthodox tradition): 1-888-647-2754 · misaskim.ca
- Paperman & Sons (Montreal): 514-733-7101 · paperman.com
A burial date and shiva schedule is set. Jewish tradition prefers burial within 24 hours when possible. Shiva, the seven-day mourning period, usually begins the day of the burial.
Shiva, in Plain Language
Shiva traditionally lasts seven days, beginning the day of the burial. Mourners stay home, sit on low chairs or cushions, cover mirrors, and welcome visitors throughout the week. Customs vary widely across Conservative, Orthodox, Reform, Reconstructionist, and unaffiliated families.
What to Bring (And What Not To)
The most meaningful thing you can do for a family sitting shiva is bring food. They are hosting visitors, they are grieving, and the last thing they need is to plan meals.
Do bring:
- A meal that can feed several people, or be reheated
- Coffee, tea, fresh fruit, baked goods
- Disposable plates, cups, napkins, serving utensils
- A note or card; your written words mean more than you think
Do not bring:
- Flowers. Jewish tradition prefers donations to charity in the deceased's memory
- Anything that requires the family to entertain or thank you elaborately
- Conversation that puts the mourner in the position of comforting you
Coordinating Meals, Without the Chaos
In every shiva, three families bring lasagna, nobody brings breakfast, and the vegetarian goes hungry. There are two ways Neshama can help.
If you want to organize meals: our free meal coordination tool lets a friend or family member set up a single page where volunteers see exactly what's needed and when, sign up for specific meal slots, and the family doesn't have to coordinate anything themselves. Set one up in five minutes at neshama.ca/shiva/organize.
If you'd rather order in: our directory at neshama.ca/help/food lists 140+ local kosher and non-kosher caterers, bakeries, and gift vendors who serve our community. Most can deliver to a shiva home with one phone call.
Who Organizes the Shiva?
Almost never the mourners themselves. In practice, one friend or family member who is not sitting shiva steps up to coordinate: the schedule, the food, the home, the communication. If that person is you, start with our step-by-step guide, How to Organize a Shiva in Toronto. If you are volunteering to bring a meal, the volunteer meal guide covers everything from portions to delivery etiquette.
What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say
In Jewish tradition, visitors at a shiva are not supposed to speak first. You follow the mourner's lead.
The most powerful thing you can say is often nothing at all. Your presence is the gift.
If words feel necessary, simple ones are best: "I'm so sorry." "I loved her too." "Tell me about him." The traditional parting words are HaMakom yenachem etchem (may God comfort you), often said in English as "May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." Avoid explanations ("everything happens for a reason") and comparisons ("I know how you feel"). Follow the mourner's lead: if they want to talk about hockey, talk about hockey.
After Shiva: Shloshim and Yahrzeit
Mourning in Jewish tradition does not end when the chairs are returned. Shiva is the first stage of a longer arc.
Shloshim (thirty days) is the period from burial to the thirtieth day. Mourners return to work and daily life, but traditionally avoid celebrations and live music. For most losses, formal mourning ends here; for a parent, it continues to twelve months.
Yahrzeit (the anniversary of a death, observed on the Hebrew calendar date) is marked each year by lighting a 24-hour candle and saying Kaddish. Because the Hebrew date shifts against the regular calendar, it falls on a different day each year. Neshama offers free yahrzeit reminders so the date never catches you off guard, and our yahrzeit explainer covers the customs in plain language.
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Read the full guide at neshama.ca/shiva-guide
Jordana Mednick & Erin Kofman, Neshama