When someone we love dies, the people around them want to help, but the coordination is often chaotic. Phone trees, group texts, overlapping casseroles, and three different funeral home websites to check.
This guide is for the moments before, during, and after a shiva. It's for the friend who wants to bring food. The neighbour who isn't sure what to say. The family who needs help organizing meals. And the person reading this just to be ready, because you know one day you will need to know.
The First 24 Hours
If you've just learned that someone has died, this is what typically happens, and where to start.
The family contacts a funeral home. The four homes serving our community:
- Steeles Memorial Chapel (Toronto) — 905-881-6003 · steelesmemorialchapel.com
- Benjamin's Park Memorial Chapel (Toronto) — 416-663-9060 · benjamins.ca
- Misaskim (Toronto, Orthodox tradition) — 1-888-647-2754 · misaskim.ca
- Paperman & Sons (Montreal) — 514-733-7101 · paperman.com
A burial date and shiva schedule is set. Jewish tradition prefers burial within 24 hours when possible. Shiva — the seven-day mourning period — usually begins the day of the burial.
Shiva, in Plain Language
Shiva traditionally lasts seven days, beginning the day of the burial. Mourners stay home, sit on low chairs or cushions, cover mirrors, and welcome visitors throughout the week. Customs vary widely across Conservative, Orthodox, Reform, Reconstructionist, and unaffiliated families.
What to Bring (And What Not To)
The most meaningful thing you can do for a family sitting shiva is bring food. They are hosting visitors, they are grieving, and the last thing they need is to plan meals.
Do bring:
- A meal that can feed several people, or be reheated
- Coffee, tea, fresh fruit, baked goods
- Disposable plates, cups, napkins, serving utensils
- A note or card — your written words mean more than you think
Do not bring:
- Flowers — Jewish tradition prefers donations to charity in the deceased's memory
- Anything that requires the family to entertain or thank you elaborately
- Conversation that puts the mourner in the position of comforting you
Coordinating Meals — Without the Chaos
In every shiva, three families bring lasagna, nobody brings breakfast, and the vegetarian goes hungry. There are two ways Neshama can help.
If you want to organize meals: our free meal coordination tool lets a friend or family member set up a single page where volunteers see exactly what's needed and when, sign up for specific meal slots, and the family doesn't have to coordinate anything themselves. Set one up in five minutes at neshama.ca/shiva/organize.
If you'd rather order in: our directory at neshama.ca/help/food lists 140+ local kosher and non-kosher caterers, bakeries, and gift vendors who serve our community. Most can deliver to a shiva home with one phone call.
What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say
In Jewish tradition, visitors at a shiva are not supposed to speak first. You follow the mourner's lead.
The most powerful thing you can say is often nothing at all. Your presence is the gift.
Get the Full Guide
The complete guide includes verified phone numbers for all four funeral homes, a section on Shloshim and Yahrzeit, and a step-by-step on coordinating meals without the chaos.
↑ Free download — scroll up to grab your copy Free download at neshama.ca/shiva-guide
— Jordana Mednick & Erin Kofman, Neshama